Weather Changes Moods

Today was a productive day working on paid writing. I wrote five posts today and two were already picked up. I need to make a little bit of money for bills and other obligations, and today was a decent enough day for putting in the time. However, the drawback is that I dedicated more of my mental resources to those 3000 words on various subjects than I had hoped to do. I guess I got on a roll, because once I was done, I was done for the day. Not bad for five hours of work. Plus Penny and I went to the park and played fetch. I cooked lunch and dinner, and took a nap. And also watched a little bit of Britain’s Most Beautiful Villages.

Tonight I’m still feeling a little unsatisfied about getting the real work done, but I’ve hit my limit and wouldn’t be doing the book any justice in editing. I’m feeling a little bit fried. I suppose I can read up a little and do some research on maybe starting a YouTube channel or pitching to clients for travel writing. The latter is a little easier said than done. The resource I’ve been reading makes it sound incredibly simple, when it really isn’t.

Yesterday I took pictures of the moose that has been hanging out in town for the last few days. It’s good to see them back, since it means Spring is here. Something was missing though…

I guess today was also a good day for building up my momentum to write for pay and feeling a little bit more confident about that. The work was there today, so I had to do it. Sometimes it is feast or famine. I got lucky, which is something that is a big part of this life. You have to take opportunties, and sometimes when you’d rather just not, you have to push through. Like I’ve said before, my schedule is no longer like it used to be. Weekends are pretty much meaningless. I work when there is work to be had. Some days I do work I would rather be doing (like writing or editing) and other days I do the work that will keep me from starving or allows me to meet other obligations.

It’s also important to take time to rest or better yet, take time to play. This year has been very lean on opportunties to play, but I’m hoping to change that. I’m also hoping to deal with a massive amount of ADHD that has manifested itself. I found myself watching a show on Amazon Prime today which had commercials and then scrolling through TikTok and social media as I was watching. Hell, sometimes the TikToks were too long.

I might have to go on another social media detox soon while I calibrate my workday for better productivity. When you work for yourself, you don’t always get time off. You might miss a chance at a good payday if you make choices to do something else for the day too. And there are those days when you have to dynamite yourself out of bed because things are overwhelming. With a 8-5 job, you can fake it and still get paid. That isn’t so for being self-employed.

Music is always a good way to keep focused, and lately I’ve been listening to Tori Amos, who I haven’t listened to for years. Her first two albums were the best, along with singles, B-sides, and other “strange little girls,” as she used to call them.

I’m glad summer is on the way. Hopefully (with the exception of one or two more) we are done with snow up in this part of the country. I’m looking forward to more adventures, but for now, I have to recover my bank balances and get back into the black. Spring was rough this year for assignments.

I think I’m numb

Today I got a lot of things done. Unfortunately, not much in the realm of writing or even editing. I did a few loads of laundry, dishes, vacuumed the house, folded and put away clothes that were piling up, and then did some work on a website I’m building. Not nearly enough work, but I am fighting a learning curve.

I wanted to get some writing done, but I just didn’t have anything today I wanted to work on. I know that’s not any good reason. I don’t know what is going on there. It’s like I feel creatively hungover or something.

One of the things that I did enjoy about the day is that it was windy and sunny, which meant my laundry dried out on the line in about half an hour and it always smells amazing. Nothing like clean mountain air to ionize your sheets and shirts. I undid all of my accomplishments with the dishes by making banana bread. It wasn’t the best loaf, but at least I didn’t waste the bananas! I drank too much coffee too, which is why I’m still up right now.

My stomach has been killing me lately. Sometimes it’s hard to get food down. Or I just lose interest in eating and pitch half of it. Then I’m hungry again. It might be the coffee doing it, so I’ve been drinking more green tea. Loose leaf. Gunpowder green.

In some ways, things are going great. I sold a post today that will help out greatly, but unfortunately there isn’t a lot left that looks all that appealing. I need to fine tune my goals and put those into action. I should be turning down assignments right now, but just can’t seem to make things connect. I sometimes feel like a coyote chasing a bunch of rabbits at once, and I can’t seem to catch any of them.

I’ve been feeling that call to adventure again lately, but my cashflow has been a problem for that, so I have to stay put and try to make money instead of blowing it on overpriced gasoline. I miss the drone of the highway and the endless tableaux of the world around me, passing by until I decide to stop and take notice. I miss having a grand adventure. Three years ago today, I was boarding a plane and flying to London on my first solo and international adventure. It’s hard to believe it has been three years already. What a crazy ride.

It just feels like a short time ago that I was walking in Hyde Park and looking at all of the trees in bloom, the swans on the Serpentine, wearing my feet into painful piles of blisters seeing the museums and navigating the pavements of that city. I keep wondering if and when I’ll be able to take another trip.

All those times I tried to make plans. Thanks to covid and life, plans with others have fallen through. I’m in no hurry to make plans with anyone else again anytime soon. I miss those late night conversations. Talking about anything and everything until my eyelids are heavy and I just drift off, feeling content. I’m not ready to move on from those memories anymore, and everything else just feels like a pale substitution.

I dunno, there just has to be more to it than all of this.

Now what?

Today I got to spend a little time being an actual writer. The last week has been full of distractions and though I did have an assignment for the last several days (it wasn’t due until the 15th) I decided to get it out of the way so I can focus on other things, such as building a website for a business, and working on more edits, submissions, pitches, and queries.

I’ve been checking out a lot of YouTube videos lately about things like digital nomads and vanlife. I’m kinda thought about starting a YouTube vlog myself about this weird life I have chosen. This writing life. I’m not exactly sure what I would do or say. I mean, unlike someone driving around to cool locations and hanging out with their dog or talking about their philosophies of solitude, my channel might be things like “So I’ve been depressed the last few days, feeling like a complete imposter and so I decided to do dishes for the first time in four days.” Or the time-honored screwing around and binge-watching a Netflix show, or taking a nap, or deciding to cut my own hair, or a billion ways to procrastinate before I actually sit down, probably drink some whiskey, and hammer away at the keyboard for a couple hours. I’m sure the time lapse on me eating Cheetos or pistachios would be mezmerizing.

I can hear the comment section already, “He just ate Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos and a Carmello for dinner.” Coffee too. Don’t forget the coffee.

I could sit and type about strollers or fancy pocket knives or the Heat Affected Zone in metal fabrication. That’s for the paid gigs.

Or they could watch me curl up into a fetal position for when I sent out queries to agents, telling myself I’m a fraud and I am likely insane because I think I actually have something to offer readers. Or see me have an anxiety attack because I got a notification that I have a package waiting for me at the post office but I didn’t order anything.

I dunno, could make for an interesting channel. Especially when I let me dog out to pee every few hours or she brings me the squirrel to throw for her.

I started watching a YouTuber who is a writer…and I gotta say, I watched her make coffee and then transplant a succulent. I suppose I could do worse. But it’s just another learning curve I would have to beat. I know almost nothing about vido production, other than when my son needed to make a video on how to make nachos for school. Again. Fascinating.

I might get some writing done tonight. I haven’t decided yet. It’s midnight. So, sure, anything is possible. Everything is possible.

I’ll have been unemployed from the university for two years this coming week. I don’t miss it. I disliked working with those people, I hated the microwave fish dinners in the breakroom, the arrogance of the professors and admins, the lassitude of the other administrative assistants, and the whole settling for crumbs attitude we were conditioned to have. Fuck that place. I know a lot of people don’t understand what I am doing (some days I am included in that) but this is a great opportunity to live the dream. Even if I have to eat Cheetos for dinner once in a while.