I think I’m numb

Today I got a lot of things done. Unfortunately, not much in the realm of writing or even editing. I did a few loads of laundry, dishes, vacuumed the house, folded and put away clothes that were piling up, and then did some work on a website I’m building. Not nearly enough work, but I am fighting a learning curve.

I wanted to get some writing done, but I just didn’t have anything today I wanted to work on. I know that’s not any good reason. I don’t know what is going on there. It’s like I feel creatively hungover or something.

One of the things that I did enjoy about the day is that it was windy and sunny, which meant my laundry dried out on the line in about half an hour and it always smells amazing. Nothing like clean mountain air to ionize your sheets and shirts. I undid all of my accomplishments with the dishes by making banana bread. It wasn’t the best loaf, but at least I didn’t waste the bananas! I drank too much coffee too, which is why I’m still up right now.

My stomach has been killing me lately. Sometimes it’s hard to get food down. Or I just lose interest in eating and pitch half of it. Then I’m hungry again. It might be the coffee doing it, so I’ve been drinking more green tea. Loose leaf. Gunpowder green.

In some ways, things are going great. I sold a post today that will help out greatly, but unfortunately there isn’t a lot left that looks all that appealing. I need to fine tune my goals and put those into action. I should be turning down assignments right now, but just can’t seem to make things connect. I sometimes feel like a coyote chasing a bunch of rabbits at once, and I can’t seem to catch any of them.

I’ve been feeling that call to adventure again lately, but my cashflow has been a problem for that, so I have to stay put and try to make money instead of blowing it on overpriced gasoline. I miss the drone of the highway and the endless tableaux of the world around me, passing by until I decide to stop and take notice. I miss having a grand adventure. Three years ago today, I was boarding a plane and flying to London on my first solo and international adventure. It’s hard to believe it has been three years already. What a crazy ride.

It just feels like a short time ago that I was walking in Hyde Park and looking at all of the trees in bloom, the swans on the Serpentine, wearing my feet into painful piles of blisters seeing the museums and navigating the pavements of that city. I keep wondering if and when I’ll be able to take another trip.

All those times I tried to make plans. Thanks to covid and life, plans with others have fallen through. I’m in no hurry to make plans with anyone else again anytime soon. I miss those late night conversations. Talking about anything and everything until my eyelids are heavy and I just drift off, feeling content. I’m not ready to move on from those memories anymore, and everything else just feels like a pale substitution.

I dunno, there just has to be more to it than all of this.

Comparisons in writing

It’s Saturday and the wind is blowing like crazy. Ahhh, Spring in the Colorado Mountains. It’s really not Spring yet. It’s Wind. Spring won’t come for another month or two. Usually the end of May, right when school lets out. Even then, we get a few snowstorms. Sometimes all the way through July.

Today I’m fighting a headache, probably from dehydration because water sucks and I subsist mainly on coffee. I often wonder if I’m burning the candle at both ends with that. I have edits to do, and yesterday was frought with editing a single scene, which took up most of the day, but I think it is completed for a second (if not third) draft. I feel very satisfied with the scene and even took a few risks which felt great once I incorporated them.

Today as a method of procrastination, I have been trying to get into the zone and noticed a post from 2019 which had made its way into my Facebook memories. BTW, Facebook is getting worse. I see maybe four or five friends on my feed now and the rest is choked with ads. So, mainly I’ve been looking backward.

This piece got a lot of recognition.

The writing was pretty good too. SO much that I wonder if my book shouldn’t be written more like this. I don’t know. Maybe the book needs to be written like a narrative instead of a diary or whatever the heck it is I’m doing here. It’s hard to not compare your own personal bests as you go, and having written for a while now, I have more than one voice in my repertoir to use. When I was published in Big Life Magazine last summer, I had the option of writing it like a list of places to go and see along the PNW coast, and instead it turned into something else. Very moody. Darker. I never really got editor feedback as to what they wanted, but the story ran and I got paid, so I guess that was really all the feedback I needed.

With travel writing, I’ve learned there is travel writing, like you’d see on Globetrekker or the Travel Channel (before it was nothing but Pawn Stars or ghostfuckers or whatever the hell they are showing), and there is travel writing like you see in the Years Best collections. That stuff is usually very introspective, and less about great places for dungeoness crab.

I posted on a forum I belong to today for the agency which I have been writing for. My complaint was seeing my writing with someone else as the byline. I ghost-wrote it. I got paid for it. But they took the credit for my ideas and words. Not much I can do. Gotta pay child support. Another writer reminded me that lots of people don’t make it this far. I’ve written a couple books, I’ve been published in several magazines, online (which counts as internationally), and I have avid readers here as well. I’m not doing too bad. What’s one or two articles? Well, mostly it’s the credit for clips. When you ghostwrite, you don’t get to share clips, and clips are what editors look at when they are considering paying you for your work. The more (and better) clips you’ve got, the longer your story will stay on an editor’s desk instead of the recycling bin.

So, I’m drinking my third cup of coffee for the afternoon and diving into edits. With subsequent drafts, I can figure out how I want to say things, since I’ve already said it. I have been missing the creative process of putting ideas down on the page instead of just hammering and molding and reshaping them. Both are important. One is more fun.