This buzzing in my head

Today has been a rough day. I dropped my son off with his mom at 7:30 am. For the last several days, he said he wasn’t ready to go back. He had three weeks solid with her because she decided to quarantine him because of suspected COVID19. For years, she has been a hypochondriac. Since I know as a dad, I’ll get no sympathy, I decided not to fight her on it. There’s not a court that would say right now, “Lady, just let the kid go back over,” much less any police who would. So my son came back for a week. On Thursday when I suggested to her that he stick around for a few weeks to make up the time, she threw a fit.

It was my son’s idea. He just wanted to spend some time with me. He misses me and I’m sure he doesn’t want to deal with the hysteria of a “Pandemic” at his mom’s place. But, you know, there’s no such thing as a reasonable request when dealing with her. There hasn’t been for 20 odd years.

So, he went back to her today. He was sad, and I’ll be honest, I’ve been a little bluesy about it myself. I feel like I let him down. Sure, there are times when all he does is jabber about video games, and Nerf guns, and Army stuff, and other things he has gotten partial information of on YouTube, but I miss having him around. I miss the company too.

Today, I piddled around with some day job stuff. A whopping total of five emails. I have a month left before the job ends. Today, I invoiced clients for my writing job and didn’t do too badly. The plan was to take today to work on projects I want to work on. Not the blogs, just my own books. I had a great desire to work on the fantasy novel. I got 250 words in and just fucking couldn’t. I distracted myself. I cooked. I fiddled with my new AppleID because the old one was attached to my work email. Then I scrolled through the unholy trinity of Facebook, Email, and Instagram for what felt like hours.

The writing keeps me sane, I like to tell myself. Even now, I can feel my thoughts align instead of thinking about my son walking back to his mom’s car and already getting interrogated by her as he stood outside waiting to get let in. I can put my thoughts together instead of wondering if going freelance means I have to file taxes quarterly now because I’ll be self-employed. Or about the 1940s Ball this summer and how it got canceled this morning. Or why I can’t just sit down and write some goddamned story I’ve been thinking about for 20 years. Or why the University book hit a few thousand words and then just ground to a halt.

The paid blogs are doing great, but that is just stringing words together that mean something only to the client. I don’t care about restoring a rusty bumper or motorcycle helmet laws or any of the things I’ve been writing about for pay. Today was supposed to be my day to get things done I wanted to get done, and well, I watched two episodes of Ozark and made some funny comments on Facebook.

I wondered what the hell is going on with my life.

I fixed my AppleID and now I’m trying to figure out how to synch up my phone to the cloud because I pay for a service but I have grown to loathe Apple products so much now because none of it makes sense. Why buy an iCloud service if you can’t delete things on your computer because they delete them on the cloud too?

And what about plane tickets and AirBnB? Neither of them want to give up money for a canceled trip. I didn’t eat a bat. I didn’t release an engineered disease into the world. And I sure as hell didn’t submarine the economy because people were maybe, possibly gonna die from a headcold. For all I know, I had this crap back in September. The webhost that I had my travelblog site through claims they already chucked all my content, even though I’ve been asking them about it since February.

I think I might be cracking up a little bit tonight. I don’t even know what to say. I just run out of the words.

I’m thinking about podcasting, but what would I have to say that anyone would want to hear? I can’t even get people to read my book. Most of my readers here are spambots with sites that start with Ipsem dolerum…

Nights like tonight I used to go to the gym, but those are all closed now. I have a feeling this virus will resurge soon because people are getting sick of being cooped up and are just going to say the hell with it once it gets warm again, and the government will be clutching their pearls and everyone will go outside and catch a cold…and probably live through it.

There are only so many hours in the day, and right now I’m hating myself a little for wasting too many of them. I’ve wasted enough hours to fill up a collection of years already.

Some changes

Over the last year, my efforts to do my travelblog have been hard and other than the writing and some of the feedback I get, not especially rewarding.  I’m thinking of leaving the webhosting service that I currently use, which gets no love on Google, and just keeping my URL and writing here on my service.

Keeping a dedicated site that gets no hits for $200+ per year is not worth the effort.  Not when there are free services.  I mean, hey, they don’t monetize, but neither does my site. Also, my independent site messes up photos, makes everything too big, and isn’t very user friendly.

So, fuck it.

If anyone has suggestions or reasons why I shouldn’t just move everything to a free site, please feel free to let me know.  The blog has been the most frustrating part of this whole process.  Not the writing.  Just the service.  I am not a fan.

Making Progress (?)

The new website is still stalled.  Anytime I try working on it, I get some error telling me my IP address has been blocked by the firewall.  This is after two or three failed attempts to login, which turn into the black hole of resetting my password.  Then customer service with the hosting service just sends back a cursory “It’s fixed, try it now!” which is the equivalent of helping your dad work on the car and he yells out from under the hood “Okay, turn it over!” and then nothing happens.

I have been using WordPress to blog for a while.  LiveJournal before that.  And I am the guy who makes changes on the website for work.  But for the life of me, I cannot get this to work.  It is frustrating.  I am losing time I could be writing with fiddling around with authentications, email proxys, and DNS errors.

When people say, “Hey, Danger Harris!  Why don’t you work in IT?”  I have two responses to them.

First of all, “Danger” is my middle name.

And second, I don’t like the alphabet soup of IT.  Even the name of the profession is an abbreviated version we are forced to say.  I personally take offense at this.  I am a writer.  I write entire words (mostly) and sometimes I even make up words and slip them into the conversation.

Recently, I was commended on my invention of the word “Canadia.”  It means the same thing as Canada, but it is much more majestic.  One could say it is the most majesticalest.

But I digress.

Anyway, there are delays, but I haven’t given up hope. I have an entire week to work on the website and hopefully I can really get it going.  I might stick to more personal posts here or writing posts.  But the travel and adventure stuff is going to be at the new site.  Rest assured, I will promote the hell out of that.

It simply beats the idea of sitting around here at the dayjob, (which is not as sexy as it sounds) waiting for the day when my neck is on the chopping block.  They are laying off lower level admins.  Because cutting eleven jobs for people who make under $50k per year is going to fix a $10m per year deficit.  While the upper administrators who caused this mess all still have jobs and just happen to be the people who were at the helm for the last ten years, driving the ship straight into the iceberg.

When people caution me about leaving this place because of my retirement, I am reminded that the decision to stay won’t always be mine.  One day, like a couple friends of mine, I could get dismissed without warning and I would be in the same situation anyway.  Being let go is a lot more emotionally taxing than leaving.  The difference is control.  Would you rather be pushed into the swimming pool or dive in?

The end result is the same.  Uncharted territory.  Working on my own to build a business.  Maybe I will have success.  Maybe I won’t.  But I take the words of the Great One to heart.  “You miss 100% of every shot you don’t take.”  –Gretsky.

What I know is I can write.  I can observe.  I truly enjoy new experiences.  And I am young enough to be able to pull this off.

Ironically (to bash the dayjob) I am usually passed over for simple editing tasks or writing memos.  Because reasons.  The amount of condescension around here is enough to make me aspirate. (I’ll give you a minute.  Just flexing on my $5 words).  I write copy for companies that pay the company I write for around three times the amount they pay me for each of my assignments.  Why not work for myself?  It could be the greatest thing I’ve ever done for my writing career.

So, onward. Upward.  Everword.  TTFN.