Last night here

Tonight I am writing this post on my phone because my computer and iPad are both packed up. Tonight will be the last night I have with my furniture at this place. Tomorrow I load it all up and take it to the next phase of my life. Right now I wish I was feeling like that was as romantic and hopeful as it sounds but I have to fit everything I own onto a uhaul trailer and drive through a snow storm to get there.
I have an eight foot section of couch to wrestle out of he front door by myself. A queen sized bed and other pieces of furniture and boxes. I’m just hoping to do it without hurting my back. If I didn’t need a couch I would have put a sign on it that said Free and left it for someone else on the curb.
This weekend has been busy. Since Friday I have been writing content for a company that sells sex toys. The whole thing is exhausting. You become numb to it after a while. From life sized dolls to bondage kits. That’s a whole lot of research and writing to do for it all. On a subject that demands you know what the hell you are on about.
let’s just say my tastes run vanilla and I see a lot of closet space and shit to move and maintain for that lifestyle. But I write because I’m young and need the money.
once my move is done I have to clean two houses. By myself. I might take a road trip at the end of the week just to get away from it all. I want to take some time off from painting, lifting; scrubbing, and everything else.
to ight I am tired and I see nothing but a bunch of work staring right back at me.

A year later

Some personal things in this post.

The last year has seen so many changes.  I am approaching the five year anniversary of my divorce, when I decided to leave a toxic relationship and start living my own life again.  It is also a year since some other big changes came my way and today I couldn’t help but compare this Oct. 1st with last year.

Last year at this time, I was facing a court case my lawyer told me I could win.  I didn’t.  I was looking at the end of a relationship which was pretty much one sided.  And I was also facing some kid drama that unfortunately resolved itself with my daughter choosing one parent over the other.  It happens.  Divorce is awful, messy, brutal, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not playing with a full deck.  Especially when kids are involved.

In the last year, I can say that in spite of a recent bout with pneumonia, I am better off today than I was a year ago.  I am happy.  I have taken the time to figure out who I am and what I want and for the first time in five years, that has become my foundation.  I have some good boundaries in place, and am learning that when people get mad at you for having boundaries, that just means they are mad that they cannot control you.  There are much better ways to spend your time than letting someone else run your life.

In the last year, I have overcome insomnia, depression, and second-guessing myself to the point of distraction.  I have watched my income cut by hundreds of dollars and still somehow I have found positive thinking in spite of that.  I have traveled farther from home than I ever have before and did it by myself.  The experience was not only exhilarating, but completely necessary and many, many years overdue.  I have decided to work towards writing full-time because feeling fulfilled in life is worth more than the predictability of the daily grind, micromanaging, and golden handcuffs of pensions dangling before your eyes.

We have one life and if you aren’t making sure you are happy in this one, then you are missing the point.

I have learned to love again.  To trust someone until they give you a reason not to.  I have learned the things I enjoy most about myself as well as how addictive new experiences really are.  I’m still learning to be still and sometimes just be a little bit bored.  That’s a hard one to figure out.

I realized that you can have faith without setting foot inside a church.  You can meet someone who gets you and not have to become someone else.  When they don’t like something you do, that just means more for you.

It has taken 44 years for me to get comfortable in my own skin.  To accept that sometimes people like me in spite of wanting to take anything from me.  But it isn’t a bad thing to be cautious sometimes.

Anyway, some things are harder.  Being broke is one, but I am not poor.  My life is rich and I find fulfillment.