I think I’m numb

Today I got a lot of things done. Unfortunately, not much in the realm of writing or even editing. I did a few loads of laundry, dishes, vacuumed the house, folded and put away clothes that were piling up, and then did some work on a website I’m building. Not nearly enough work, but I am fighting a learning curve.

I wanted to get some writing done, but I just didn’t have anything today I wanted to work on. I know that’s not any good reason. I don’t know what is going on there. It’s like I feel creatively hungover or something.

One of the things that I did enjoy about the day is that it was windy and sunny, which meant my laundry dried out on the line in about half an hour and it always smells amazing. Nothing like clean mountain air to ionize your sheets and shirts. I undid all of my accomplishments with the dishes by making banana bread. It wasn’t the best loaf, but at least I didn’t waste the bananas! I drank too much coffee too, which is why I’m still up right now.

My stomach has been killing me lately. Sometimes it’s hard to get food down. Or I just lose interest in eating and pitch half of it. Then I’m hungry again. It might be the coffee doing it, so I’ve been drinking more green tea. Loose leaf. Gunpowder green.

In some ways, things are going great. I sold a post today that will help out greatly, but unfortunately there isn’t a lot left that looks all that appealing. I need to fine tune my goals and put those into action. I should be turning down assignments right now, but just can’t seem to make things connect. I sometimes feel like a coyote chasing a bunch of rabbits at once, and I can’t seem to catch any of them.

I’ve been feeling that call to adventure again lately, but my cashflow has been a problem for that, so I have to stay put and try to make money instead of blowing it on overpriced gasoline. I miss the drone of the highway and the endless tableaux of the world around me, passing by until I decide to stop and take notice. I miss having a grand adventure. Three years ago today, I was boarding a plane and flying to London on my first solo and international adventure. It’s hard to believe it has been three years already. What a crazy ride.

It just feels like a short time ago that I was walking in Hyde Park and looking at all of the trees in bloom, the swans on the Serpentine, wearing my feet into painful piles of blisters seeing the museums and navigating the pavements of that city. I keep wondering if and when I’ll be able to take another trip.

All those times I tried to make plans. Thanks to covid and life, plans with others have fallen through. I’m in no hurry to make plans with anyone else again anytime soon. I miss those late night conversations. Talking about anything and everything until my eyelids are heavy and I just drift off, feeling content. I’m not ready to move on from those memories anymore, and everything else just feels like a pale substitution.

I dunno, there just has to be more to it than all of this.

Creatively Overwhelmed

Today was a day that I needed to use to get out of town, so my mom and I went to Steamboat for Pho. She had never had it before, and there is just something about it that hits the spot when it comes to…soup. It’s soup, but the broth has so many other levels of aromatics that I get a craving for it once in a while. And I also enjoy exposing people to new things they haven’t tried.

She enjoyed the Pho with rare steak, so yay! Sometimes I’ll try to show my folks something they haven’t tried and they can be a little like Mikey from Life Cereal. He won’t eat it! He hates everything!

I still don’t get that commercial nearly forty years lately. If Mikey hated everything, why did they try giving him the cereal?

Yesterday I gave myself some minor frostbite on my toes while shoveling snow off my sidewalk. Two of them are still purple and sting. At least they sting. That’s a good sign.

Today was a day of some setbacks otherwise, and some victories. After Pho, we checked out a thrift store on the outskirts of town, and I picked up a nearly new tripod for my digital camera. A Giottos Pro aluminum tripod with spirit levels and a ball mount, quick releases, and it goes up to about 70″. $25. Yes. You read that right. I also got a churchkey bottle opener and a DVD of Good Will Hunting for a buck.

When I got home, I set about to write some paid content and was met with a piece of bad news. one of the clients I was going to write for unceremoniously ditched me. They pulled four assignments, two of which I had already written. They blocked me and said, “Didn’t follow our guidelines.” This setback happens sometimes, especially with the more flakey clients who expect $1/word writing but only want to pay ten cents per word. It was a disppointment, and a loss for me of more than I’d like to think about.

A good metric of telling who is going to do this is someone who provides three pages of guidelines and 300 words of keywords for a 1500 word assignment. And when they don’t even look at your submission for a week or two after the deadline. I’d rather just not write for people like that.

So, I got on YouTube and went down the photography rabbit hole to try to teach myself more fundamentals of using my OM-D Olympus camera. I tried out a bunch of shots with the tripod and I think I’m beginning to figure out manual settings for Aperture, Shutter Speed, and things like depth of field and focus. The jargon can get overwhelming. Focus length, this and that in milimeters, all of it. Now I’ve got this tripod thing to figure out, which is actually pretty exciting. I wish I had taken photography, but as a previous artist (pencils, etc.) I understand composition pretty well. What I need to figure out now is color theory and all that technical crap that gives us pictures we like.

A few weeks ago, I applied for an assignement taking pictures of Sandhill Cranes in Nebraska during the upcoming spring migration in North Platte, but they selected someone else today. It was to be a press trip/story/photography opportunity, but that gives me more time to practice and get better at photography for another project. Now that I’m accumulating better equipment, I still feel like an imposter, but less of one.

I’m writing this post tonight and drinking coffee in hopes that I can actually work on the book. A couple setbacks like this can be daunting, plus there is the ongoing struggle I have with the book. I’m getting into the short rows for the end, and I an also seeing how much the book needs in the middle, and how many spots I have either missed or had inadventantly re-written.

Writing a literary type story is difficult for me because I used to write mostly genre fiction like fantasy or SF. It has taken me a long time to change my mindset that unless there is a dragon burning down a village or robots replacing people, a story about someone’s life just isn’t all that interesting. Especially if a lot of it is based on a true story.

Who really cares?

What I know is the story wants to be written, and at this point, no other story is going to get into that feeder trough. I’m hoping to print off a first draft within a few days. Until then, I have plenty of coffee to sustain me and my itch to get the hell out of town has been satiated for a few days at least.

I have a lot of chainsaws in the air at once right now, and I’m hoping that something works out.