That walkin’ against the wind $#!T

Today, I wrote my ass off for two posts. I know there are going to be days like this. I have had good days where I wrote 15 posts about lift kits and grille guards and days where I have written two posts about motorbike accidents, but today was two posts that might win me $37. One was for an air conditioning company and the other was a Netflix documentary review about “Human Nature”. I had to watch an hour and a half long documentary and IF they buy it, they will pay $25. So that averages out to $12.50 per hour.

IF either of them buy it.

My brain is fried, but at least I know more about CRISPR than I did before. I guess one way to look at this is that I would have watched the documentary for free anyway. Now I’m doing it for money.

It will be like walking against the wind to write enough in the upcoming days, weeks, months, years to provide a base income for myself. That part really sucks. Especially since many of the clients I was writing crazy amounts of stuff for left due to a change in management with the agency I’m writing for. Right now I’m in the process of rebuilding a client base, which takes time.

Tonight I’m going to try to work on the novel. I’ve been sketching out so many scenes towards the end that now my inkblots are bleeding backward through the story and hopefully will meet somplace in the middle. Future edits will probably remove a lot of things and be integral to another book I have been thinking about in the life of this same character.

I dunno. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t cooled off with this story and some days when I sit down to write I just can’t help but think I’m over it. Then there are days I get fired up again and wish that was all I had to do.

Today fell a little flat, and for some weird reason, I took an hour and a half nap this evening. I just closed my eyes and and couldn’t stay awake. Maybe a lot of the recent stress is finally releasing. Maybe I’m finally letting go of some things and now they are only memories instead of recent wounds. I feel like a house that has been packed up for a big move. It’s the same house, but the rooms are all empty, filled with only possibilities, but there is still a lot of work ahead to put everything back in them that is needed.

Every day brings new challenges, and life comes at you like a mime from hell. I just wish it wouldn’t do that walkin’ against the wind shit. I hate that.

Moving forward

The site is back!

Now that life has returned to “New Normal,” I can post here again.

It’s nearly midnight as I type these words. I’m exhausted today from a variety of things and I’m probably too tired to work on the book right now. I find myself trying to catch up again, slowly, but some of the things I was so passionate writing about have faded. What I get down about those times feel almost like they belong to a different time. Maybe that’s the point of this story, to document an era that slipped through our fingers just as it was getting good.

This year has been hard on everyone, I won’t even belabor that point. It’s just a fact. We know it, for global, local, and personal reasons that have affected everyone.

Maybe this book is more than I had thought it would be. Maybe there is another purpose to it. A need to document the end of an era that began in the 1990s and will fade out in the next few years as my generation takes its place in the halls of nostalgia, replaced maybe before the Boomers are by the self-aggrandizing Millennials and the Z’s who have suppassed every other generation on their dependence of electronics.

We are truly another Lost Generation. We were branded X before we even came into our own, X being the unidentified, the Other, the Unknown variable. In taste tests, it was always Brand X against the name brand. There are so many things I enjoyed about the last few decades, which somehow just bled into what we know now. A time that is lonely, sad, and sanitized for your protection.

Say what you will about the election, but we are no longer represented. We are ruled by dinosaurs of bureaucrats who have divided us for political and personal gain. On both party lines. Growing up, I heard that the Revolution Will Not Be Televised. It won’t be. It wasn’t. Maybe it has already been fought and won, and one of these days they will let us know who we are again.

It’s great books that help us identify with an era. Not saying mine will be that, but it couldn’t hurt to put my hat in the ring.

In the meantime, I just write down things that happened, or should have happened, and they will encapsulate what was going on for someone else down the road to read. I hope it is at least interesting. My chances of being published are probably close to zero, but my enjoyment of putting the words down is much, much higher.

This site is going to be a reference to what was going on at the time, so I can come back to it later. If you enjoy what you see here, please hit that like button and share it with someone.

Plans

I have the whole week ahead of me, which should mean lots of writing, lots of working on projects, and all of that. But it’s Monday, which usually just entails getting my bearings and trying to get my life together. It’s always hard to see my son go back to his mom’s for the week. You can’t help but wonder if you have done enough, and it is exhausting dealing with his needs, school, keeping a ten year old mentally engaged enough to not be bored out of his mind. Especially since right now he has no friends, and the schools seem to be concerned only with making sure the state and the Department of Education recognize that the teachers are earning their cut. Hence the Zoom meetings peppered all throughout the day which demand that you are sitting in a chair, interacting with the general chaos of the classroom online.

There is no middle ground.

When he is gone, I miss him like I have lost a part of myself. The house is too quiet. That takes over for about a day and I experience a sense of loss until the evening when I can actually feel productive. Throughout the day, my body becomes an experiment in equilibrium. Enough caffeine to keep me moving, then enough food, protein, sugars, fibre, etc. to keep my moods in balance. Too much sugar and I want to sleep and then I get depressed. I gain weight too. Too much protein and I’m always hungry, and protein isn’t cheap. I only eat a couple meals a day anyway. When you are alone, meal prep is time consuming and pointless.

This week, my plans, once I get going again, are to try to write ten pages per day, seek out leads for travel writing, post at least a few times here and on my travel site, and hopefully get a podcast in. I have been paying for extra time and indexing on my podcast site, but with everyone on lockdown, I dislike the idea of sitting around talking to myself for any length of time.

Sometimes it feels like writing is just sitting around talking to yourself too. As with talking to yourself, you start wondering if you are crazy, if you are saying anything worth saying, and are you wasting your time.

When I did almost nothing during the day at my day job and they rewarded me with money, that was such a weird experience. Now I work my ass off, and not getting paid.

I also have that fear that once this project is done it will just reveal what a complete prick I really am. And nobody will buy it. And I might as well have been sitting around eating paint all day instead.