Stuff I miss

Tonight I’m a little bit into my thoughts of nostalgia. I miss listening to music on the back porch in the summertime. I miss smoking cigars by the firepit and listening to old R&B songs. I miss good whiskey and making love in the silvery light of nightfall. I miss drinking coffee on the road, driving back from a new adventure.

I put a lot of these things into stories because I feel like they carry enough weight to deserve being immortalized.

I broke my promise to myself tonight and I had a few drinks. It’s an empty promise. When you are alone it means nothing. It’s a moot point. In five years it won’t matter to me. In fifty it won’t matter to anyone. All that matters is that I used every moment that I had to its fullest and I didn’t waste any of it.

I wrote a new podcast yesterday about procrastination, but I don’t know if I’m going to produce it. Maybe I’ll do that another time. Right now I’m enjoying the silence and listening to good music. I can’t believe had fast the last year has flown past.

A year ago, I was licking my wounds after giving up on a romance that wasn’t meant to be. I went dark on Facebook and other social media. I hunkered down and worked orn my book. My heart was truly and irreparably broken. I fell in love with my best friend at the time and it wasn’t meant to be. She’s happy now. Someone else is taking care of her. He doesn’t know her the way that I did, but that’s okay too. Nobody knows me that way anymore either. Since then I’ve grown. You can’t step in the same river twice. Either you or the river is different.

Lately a wonderful song has come to high-rotation on my playlist. Weird Goodbyes by the National (feat. Bon Iver).

I don’t regret the love that wasn’t meant to be. I only regret the time I spent on trying to get through it. But it was just the latest in a lot of wounds I hadn’t been letting heal.

I don’t miss her anymore.

I don’t fucking even know her. Maybe I never did.

I do miss times when I smoked cigars and visited with my son. He would tell me about a sitcom he wanted to make. We would laugh. He is a beautiful soul. When he makes it out, I want to sit down and visit with him again. We’ll catch up. We will tell funny stories and listen to music together. There won’t be any way to keep us apart. He’s a good man.

I’m the good luck charm. The one everyone falls in love with before finding their true love. And my name is never heard from their lips again. Even though I was the man who woke them up. It’s better that way. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone deserves their person. If I helped them find them, then God bless them.

I had a dream in Ireland about my first girlfriend calling me. I could hear her voice just as it was back then. I woke up with happy tears. It was good staying in touch.

I’m going to bed now. Be kind to yourself. I miss those old versions of myself. This new guy, I’m just getting to know him. He seems okay.

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