It is late and I am listening to M83’s “Wait”. Such a haunting melody. It evokes all sorts of thoughts and feelings. Oddly enough I don’t really have any specific moment attached to it that gives it meaning. Just long, quiet nights writing in a cold house.
Tonight I’m just filling up time. It was a productive day, so there are no complaints there. It’s just a quiet night and though I’m not lonely, I do miss conversations with people I once had.
I’m not the kind of man who looks forward to meaningless chats. I’m not a “hey, you up?” kind of guy. I would rather just put on some Massive Attack and close my eyes and go along for the ride. But there are nights I miss those conversations, talking about the future, hopes, dreams, fears, and goals. Depth. I lost that somewhere along the way and I don’t know if I will ever get it back.
Sometimes it’s just easier to fade out.
Music gives me those conversations I have gotten so rarely. Music, art, good writing, or even a movie or TV show that gives your brain a lot to chew on. It’s much the same thing as finding yourself in a new place. Your mind is alive with the possibilities, it plays an active role in what you do next, how you process what is happening, how you will remember it. It has been too long since I have been somewhere like that. I’m overdo for a trip. The only negative about that is not having anyone to share the stories with anymore. Not at that level anyway.
Right now I feel like my life is in stasis. My income, the soaring inflation, and other factors are keeping me homebound right now. I have other things to work on. Today was productive and tiring. Tomorrow will require my attention for getting some housework done. I will have time to make plans about new projects I want to work on. I need to get back into edits for my book. Today, the work was there for assignments, and you have to follow the work. I take every day as it comes.