Winding down the brain

It’s after midnight as I write these words. This weekend was Memorial Day weekend, and I spent all but Friday working. It’s a lot different from how things have been in the past with this life that I have chosen. I do the work when there is work. When there isn’t work, I do other things to move forward. This weekend, the work came and I was on it. I had planned on taking today off. On Saturday, I wrote 2000 words, Sunday it was 6000, and today another 2000. That’s a 10k weekend of paid posts. Five of them. I’m hoping they sell. The client can be a little particular when it comes to content, so I’m expecting to get some notifications when they review them that I need to do some edits and rewrites. It’s good to have the work coming in, but I do need to take time to work on the book, the websites, and some other things.

I had an old friend coming through town who wanted me to meet her boyfriend. It’s great to see her with a good guy and she is happy. She paid her dues over the years with her sad choices (jeez, we’ve all had our share of them, haven’t we?). Penny got to make two new friends, which was great because she gets sick of me. Just because I won’t spend all day throwing that slobbery squirrel for her.

Their story seems to be what happens when things work out well. Two people who had given up finding someone else and were just living their lives. They met over a shared interest and in spite of trying to convince themselves otherwise, they found each other. Stories like that remind me that I am still a Romantic. I remember the last time that happened to me, and it puts a smile on my face.

I see people flailing, finding themselves unlucky in love. Myself included. Most of them are on dating apps or going out with people they meet at the bar or get set up by a mutual friend who can’t sleep with them just then, so they throw them their way. These two met doing something they enjoyed doing on their own. That’s how it happens, people. Finding someone who shares a common interest that isn’t swiping right and left. Someone who doesn’t just thrive on the bar scene and the drama and head games people play. Nope. It was just two people doing something they enjoyed independently and seeing each other from across the room.

Sometimes it’s just that easy. Sometimes it means meeting someone in spite of your desire to meet ANYONE.

Right now, I’m focusing on the work. It feels good to do what I love doing, even if I don’t always love what I’m writing about. A bad day of writing beats any day sitting behind a desk, watching my life tick away for someone else. I did that for twenty years. They cut me loose without a second thought. If what I wrote sells, it will be a good weekend take. And being on my own means I don’t have to worry about how my work will interfere with how much attention they are getting or making sure the toil of the house is done to their specs.

I still have the problem of being unable to sleep if I don’t feel like I accomplished enough. I need to feel fulfilled every day. I need to be creative for myself and get the thoughts down. So, doing that here will help me sleep.

Everyone tells me the way that I’m going to meet my person is going to be on one of my trips. I don’t know. I’m open to the idea sometimes, but right now I’m not going anywhere. I’m working. I’m getting better at what I do and feeling less panicked that I’m going to starve to death doing it. Someone taught us all a long time ago that enjoying what you do is somehow cheating. We have to force ourselves into these little boxes of being miserable or else we don’t feel like we’ve earned an accomplishment. Today, I got to use my skills to maybe make some money. I have a roof over my head. Food in my cabinets. Sure I feel that solitude creeping up on me sometimes, but I am grateful for the life I have.

I do the work when it comes and I have to retrain myself to let go of the idea of weekends and holidays. I get to set those from now on, without guilt. If there is work and I don’t wanna, then that’s on me. If there isn’t work, then I have other things to do. If I’m feeling burned out, then I can take a breather and come back stronger. It’s a crazy way to live, which when I put it that way, makes a lot better sense that showing up for some bullshit five days a week, even if there’s nothing to do. And feeling guilty for wanting something better.

This weekend has felt like a weekend of new beginnings.