Tonight there is a space in my heart that aches to be filled. I do even know what could be missing, because there is too much to pick from that I have lost.

Writing a couple paid assignments today was like pulling teeth, but I did get them done. I just don’t know what happened after that because I had time to work on the book but just no motivation. I made coffee at 10pm and in spite of the wake up juice, I just didn’t have any motivation to get the words down. Or even edit. I think my motivation is down on the edits because I feel like I wasted a couple years writing a book nobody will read. Those aren’t the kinds of books people want.

Some days it just feels like more and more weight is getting added to your chest. And that wouldn’t be so bad if you had someone in your life who understood what that meant. More often than not, I am reminded of how alone I am in this world. The ones who have stayed don’t really know me. They know an aspect of me I’ve let my guard down enough to share. That isn’t me. The few I’ve allowed myself to be open with are gone for the most part. And I don’t really care to let anyone in again. What is the motivation behind that when they just go away in the end? You’re left with a lot of empty place settings at the table of your life. You’re left with a lot of memories of beautiful, smiling faces.

Some days are better than others, and though this might be a bit of a down night, just remember what Leonard Cohen said, “You want it darker. We killed the flame.”

If it’s not one thing it’s another. I have a lot of plans and ambitions, but it’s hard to not think that like all the 1001 other plans you’ve had, there is no room in this world for yours.

I just keep slogging on ahead.

2 thoughts on “Unrelenting

  1. Another Leonard Cohen lyric says “ the cracks are how the light gets in. “ Let the light in… people can only meet you where they are. It seems you are shifting to a higher place through pain and growth. Give it time… when you’re in a new energetic place, you will attract the people who can meet you there.

    I’m in such a similar place… we can’t stay in the “stuckness “ of it (although I also have my days where everything looks like shit and I can’t see the point)… find the good (there has to be some). Focus on finding things to appreciate… look for what can be gained from everything you experience.

    And quit doubting your book please. The story was demanding to be told it sounds like… that would not have been the case if you weren’t supposed to write it. If it was easy and painless, everyone would do it. Writing is your gift… you are sharing a piece of yourself that no one else can in exactly the same way. The people that need to hear the story will find it. You need to quit worrying about who will read it. Hugs. Make today a better day.

    • Thank you. Those are some kind and insightful words indeed. Tomorrow I’m going to work on edits and make that book shine the way it ought to. Right now it’s a shield covered in blood and gore.

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