Being Better

The last few days were heavy writing days with the paid work. I have a little bit of an obsessive personality, which means that when I get focused enough to do the paid work, I tend to fixate on it until I nearly drop. In the last few days, I wrote nine assignments. Four on Wednesday, four yesterday, and one at 10pm on Friday. Friday was a little bit of a wash, since I was feeling a little bit of burnout from writing those first two days. You just get to a point where it feels like you are pulling teeth and the work creeps to a standstill. Today, I went to breakfast with my mom, played with the dog, cooked lunch and dinner (I made authentic English chips on the stovetop) and took a nap. I have been wanting to write all day today, but there has been something blocking me. At 10pm, I found an assignment I knew a lot about and cranked out 1000 words in about 20 minutes. I’m hoping they buy it. It gave me a little bit of a feeling of accomplishment for a day that felt mostly like slacking.

Tomorrow I have a few more paid assignments, but hopefully I can get through this block and work on edits or maybe do some new writing. I’ve been needing to do some actual writing for a few days. There’s something about it that is nourishing to the soul.

I think the block that I’m feeling is post-book letdown. There is a part of me I have discovered as I edit that thinks the book I have written is a complete and total waste of time. So there is that resistance that says I am complete crap at something and need to stop. There is also that part of me that just is tired. I mean, I wrote a giant ass book. Sometimes you have to just sit back and catch your breath. And then of course, there is that space between the two of them.

I have been thinking about starting a YouTube channel, but between the imposter syndrome and the anxiety caused by the learning curve on that, I got about ten minutes into a tutorial online and decided I needed to take a nap. I wonder about things like storyboarding, how I want to say things, how I want to film these things, and even what I would even say. Honestly, what contribution would I have? And then I remember that people get views just for opening their mail. I have almost no experience at vlogging or videography. I didn’t even like videorecording times I spent with my kids because it was better to be in the moment than documenting it. So, like I said, the learning curve is steep, but the idea of doing this is interesting and might be a good creative outlet.

My podcast was short-lived for a few reasons. I discovered too late that anything longer than 20 minutes of a podcast was going to cost me money in storage fees. I only ever got a few dozen hits so I didn’t think that $30 per month was worth it to continue, but I do have sound equipment and now a decent camera, so maybe I can try my hand at YouTube. I know the format isn’t what it once was, but it could be fun.

Anyway, the point of tonight’s post is that I hate myself on days that I don’t get things done. I need to be better. I need to work through the Resistance and feel somewhat productive. There are just days when I want to do something else, I suppose. Lately with the wind blowing down off the mountains and gasoline being so expensive, I think I’ve been in a bit of a funk and instead of wishing for something to change, I need to work with the time I’ve got keeping me at home. In other words, if I can’t afford to go anywhere right now, I might as well work. Sometimes the old brain can only produce so much content until it needs a break. But I do still need to be better at managing my time.

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