The last couple of days up here in the frozen north have reminded me of why I didn’t come running back here decades ago. It’s a spring afternoon and the MF wind hasn’t stopped blowing for two days. You might think, the wind blows everywhere, but you would be mistaken. This is the kind of wind that is like being hit with a wall. You can hear the houses groan, the screaming whistle of it all, and frankly it gets to be a little tiring.
So, this evening, I’m going to put on some music and work on edits. I have a tricky chapter to work on I’m not sure even fits with the rest of the story anymore. It’s a divergence where the main character makes a decision in his life and it takes everything to a whole other direction. The bummer is I’m not sure quite how to pull it off. Or if it fits with the whole story. I might email a couple friends to see what they think. They say you should write with the door closed and edit with the door open.
The bummer is that the book follows his story in sharp detail throughout, but this divergence jumps twenty or more years into the future in just three chapters. Then we come back to what really happens. The movie Mr. Nobody kinda inspired it.
Anyway, I did something today that was not exactly responsible, but other than the prescribed guilt of choosing one thing over another, I feel better having made the choice. I turned away a bullshit assignment so I could edit tonight. Unfortunately the guilt still eats me up a little bit. There will be other days. Other assignments. This one in particularly was freezing me up. Now I just have to remember to not let it freeze me feeling guilty about it, but to use the time I now have to do better things.
On other fronts, I have to remind myself that I cannot control other people’s behaviors or their perceptions of me. I have to do what is right for myself and my mental health, and if they want to continue on with the drama circus they call their lives, then more for them. One of the things I’ve had to learn in the last few years is how to walk away and feel at peace with myself instead of worrying what others might think of me. I’m too old for the BS. Too much at peace to have fake friends. And not afraid to just walk away when I need to.
One of my favorite Dutch Bros. slogans is “To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.”
It’s a liberating experience when you get there. It’s not always exciting. Sometimes it is lonely. But it’s worth it.