That grinding sensation is your values telling you something

This blog isn’t for everyone. This blog has been my way to voice what is going on in my life as well as my own progress in mental health, dealing with stress, and sometimes just taking one deep breath after the next. I’m not for everyone. It has take me a long time to realize that, and I am finding peace in all of that too.

It’s funny how others perceive us. I had one friend tell me that they don’t read this blog because they aren’t into the “feels” so much. They told me that I should make a cooking blog. The funny thing was that I indulged this request and I put a food post/recipe on my other site, Like six people even looked at it.

Obviously not my niche.

I would say that isn’t the point of writing here. It’s my own personal thoughts and reflections and not about how many people read or “like” the content. Unfortunately for the other blog, that is the point. Getting eyes on the page. Finding what works so I can make some passive income. People don’t read blogs like they used to. Facebook took care of that. Social media is so much of giving people content that they want. I’ve watched TikTok people who post content–some with very good production values–just to keep chasing those likes. I think people get burned out by it.

Chasing those likes really doesn’t mesh well with my values. I’ve usually been the kind of person who does their own thing, and if people want to come along for the ride then they are welcome. But my job is not to amuse you. I did plenty of that in school as a class clown. I write for myself too, not for you, but maybe there are enough of us out there who have been looking for what I am writing about to really enjoy it.

I go to therapy for the same reason people wear glasses. Not because I can’t see, but because I want to see better. Lately, the idea of values has been coming up. How much of my happiness and insecurities in life stems from having to do things that don’t align with my values. Also, I live under this weird notion that if I don’t compromise my values, my life becomes so niche that I will just find myself being alone all the time.

Honestly, when you compromise your values, you still feel alone. And you get that icky sensation in your gut that says you really aren’t enjoying yourself anyway. Many of my values align with a sense of Peace I have come to appreciate in my life. I’m not a big partier. I don’t enjoy hanging out at the bar anymore (I’m not 22). I like my nerdy movies and collections, I like to wear interesting hats, cook foods not many people would like. I like to read. Play with my dog. Enjoy a straight Irish whiskey on quiet nights. I like helping people. I like a good story. I’m not as into hiking as I once was. Now that it’s winter there’s really noplace to hike. From the outside, my life might seem kinda boring.

Whenever people ask what I’m up to, my answer is often the same: writing. If I’m not writing, I am usually on a road trip. Lately I’ve been playing video games, which seems to help me decompress my brain after writing a lot. I guess it means I’m bad at parties.

One of the hardest parts about listening to your gut when it comes to your values is how isolated you might feel. Sometimes when I hang out with friends, I just don’t want to do some of those things anymore. It’s not that I’m bored, it’s just that centering a social gathering around ingesting fermented liquids isn’t my bag. I can drink at home for cheaper if I want. Being drunk does not make anyone’s conversation any more interesting.

Am I boring? Maybe. Am I stuffy or uptight? That’s a matter of perspective. I love dancing. I love to laugh until my sides hurt. I enjoy excellent conversations and sometimes being obnoxious. I like nerding out about movies and books. So why the hell is it that it is so difficult to find people with similar interests? Much less values. Because what I value is peace. Calm. Lack of drama. But most people seem to be addicted to it. I don’t need trauma because what I write about is bad enough.

Lately I’ve had to stop watching Tiktok because there is nothing but drama on that App. I don’t talk with a lot of people anymore because I don’t want to be dragged into their shitty lives. I watch a lot of people in pain, broken people, cutting each other on their sharp edges.

I’ve been looking at this Ukraine thing in a different way too. I’ve noticed that my friends who are actual combat veterans all look at this thing like a snake in the road that is better to be walked wide of. They know what the horrors of war mean. They aren’t repentant veterans but realists. Or maybe Pessimists. They’ve had their share of war and know it is not a good thing to be involved with. The people out there who are all gung-ho and aching for a fight have a screw loose. Those are the people we should be worried about.

In the last 22 years, I have been fighting my own war, and as Chief Joseph once said, “I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. I will fight no more forever.” Anyone who has been in the place I have, knows that you will value your peace whenever you can. Even if it means you aren’t that exciting anymore. Twenty-two years. Let that sink in.

What price are you willing to pay for Peace?

6 thoughts on “That grinding sensation is your values telling you something

  1. Congratulations… you are now a “real” and authentic human (I resisted the urge to say “real boy” – some Pinocchio slipped in my brain I guess – LOL). The book of Face and all that social media stuff is just excruciatingly shallow. You still have healing and processing to do it seems. Redefining who you are and who you want to be is a natural progression for this stage of life. Especially after divorce and other relationships that didn’t end the way you wanted; you have to go through that stuff. I feel you. I also spend way too much time alone. (It’s okay… I like my own company. I think you like yours also.) I read your stuff all the time and relate to it. I can’t always comment, because there is so much I’d like to say every time I read your blog, but it’s usually 6am and I haven’t had enough coffee yet to string together an intelligible sentence or seemingly coherent thought. And you are right – it’s not about the readers at all. For me, blogging helps me sort things out and make some sort of tangible sense out of feelings and thoughts. Once I have purged it out – I can move on with other things. I am trying to write a book now – holy fuck… that is a lot of work. Kudos to you for your perseverance in that department! I have a feeling it’s going to be a long process. I’m only about 7,000 words in and already have told myself it’s shit and I need to start over. Anyway – no you aren’t stuffy or boring… you are “real” and that is a good thing.

    • Thank you! I appreciate your comments. I’ve been enjoying your posts too. And yes. It’s going to be a long fucking process, but 7,000 words is better than no words. Just work at it a little bit every day and it will come together. Thanks for not thinking I’m boring! And it feels great to be a real boy! 😉

  2. Been saying it before that you should do what works for you.

    I’ve been suggested to write a food blog but the mode seems to be a lot of preamble including a formative childhood experience before finally getting to the meat of the recipe. Seems like too much effort.

    Then there’s been the suggestions I post my cooking pictures on Insta. I never got into it either: I like both pictures & words, but I prefer words.

    • Your food posts are like that restaurant experience that you get where they serve only a handful of people in a location that always changes and yet anyone who knows what’s up wants to get an invite.

  3. A great many people, it seems, do not have a “core” of their own. They find their worth in acceptance by others. They feel emotional pain when they can’t connect with people who share their attachments or values. A great many then try to hide from that pain, through socialising that even they know is meaningless, and through “entertainment” that merely diverts. At various points, they wake up a little and ask themselves, “Is this all there is to life: endless meaningless crap until I get sick and die?” Of course, the answer is “No: that’s a choice you can make for yourself.” But it’s easier just to slip back into pain and back into distraction. If we define ourselves by the approbation of others then we’re bound to fail, because most of them don’t know what they’re approving: they’re only seeking approbation themselves. Better if we find a core that gives us inner pride: values that are healthy for us. And then, don’t try to sell it to anyone else, because they’ve each got to find their own recipe. By all means write about it, or talk about it, but neither in defence of it, nor to seek approval. And you may yet stumble across others who like what you do, and are keen to see what experiences you can share.

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