That was a tough chapter to write. It only stands to reason that it would be. I’ve been distracting myself from writing it for days now. But it’s done. 5,500 words. I’m going to go play some Fallout 4 and have another glass of Red to wind my brain down.
I heard something today on TikTok that said “If you confuse feeling at peace with boredom, that just means as a kid your life was always filled with chaos.” Damn, I felt that. It’s hard to admit that I feel at peace these days. And also bored.
But I would rather be bored than be at the center of chaos anymore.
I would rather be alone than feel like I don’t matter and be lonely with someone offering me breadcrumbs and bullshit for promises.
I see a long life ahead of myself which holds a lot of this. What does peace feel like? What does accepting yourself and loving yourself feel like? What does no longer hurting yourself to see if you still feel anything look like?
I’m going to try it out.