Angry Chair

Today was Valentines Day, which is a day for most of us that traditionally sucks.

A big reason for this is because those of us who are single see it as a day we are reminded that we are alone. And those of us who are in a relationship have some kind of bar they need to meet, and unless it is new love and everything is wonderful, somebody usually falls short of the mark.

Today, I was informed that the woman I was in the “situationship” with (that I burned bridges with after four years of friendship too) posted a FaceBook Official picture of herself with her new guy on their Valentines Day date. I haven’t seen it. I don’t want to.

That’s never easy, is it? You never really realize how raw you still are inside until you hear about that.

A lot of my previous post was about that. I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me is sad to see no possibility of that bridge between us being rebuilt or those doors being opened again. Just a feeling I have. Like a feeling that I’ll hear about an engagement sometime soon. I’ve seen it before. I am the Warm Up guy, or as I’ve heard it called the “Foster Boyfriend, helping wayward women find their forever person.” Fuck.

The other part of me feels like a weight has been lifted off of me. That I can close those doors in my heart for good, and hopefully if the person I should be with comes around, I will be emotionally available. I’m ready to start living the life that I’ve wanted to start living for ten or fifteen years now. Chasing my goals and dreams. Not spinning my wheels with situationships.

It’s a mixed bag of emotions.

What I know of the happy couple: they are both damaged. I’m not going to go into the why too much, other than to say both could probably benefit from lots of therapy, but instead cling to other damaged people as a substitute. Then they wonder why shit keeps falling apart.

But you see, I’m fucking angry too, because I am doing the work. I’m going to therapy weekly to deal with my problems and dysfunctions and heal from all the bullshit I’ve survived in my life so I can get to the next step of Thriving instead. And yet, with all of this rebuilding my mind and my heart, I’m alone. And it seems like all I had to do is go to the bar and lower my standards a little bit. Because even though I’m healing, and I feel more secure with myself and my boundaries and my values…it does still sting a little bit. It stings to see that you don’t have to put in the work to heal. You just find someobody who is also fucked up, and you won’t be alone.

Until you are more alone than ever, in a nightmare you can’t escape. At least that’s what I keep telling myself, because I’ve been there. And I’m never, ever going to go back there again. I guess my healing is my business, and my choice.

I can’t say I wish them the best. I wish her safety. I wish she would do the work of healing, because she is an amazing person, but always sells herself short. I know she is gone for good, and our paths have permanently diverged, but I still care. I see a lost soul though, and today, I realized my heart could break a second time. Maybe the first was for a lover, and the second was for my friend.

Fuck.

3 thoughts on “Angry Chair

  1. Ah, Clinton, my heart goes out to you. I don’t know you yet, but I can certainly relate as I’ve been the “warm-up” girl too often in my life. I’m going through a divorce right now, and healing certainly is a bitch. Let me give you a hug. Today is the day after that crappy Valentine’s Day. Let’s both have a better day.

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