Boba Fett…here there be spoilers

So, today I watched the last installment of the Book of Boba Fett. I’m going to catch shade for this, but Temura Morrison makes Pinoccio look less wooden. The series had potential, but what really showed what was happening was when two episodes were heavy on the Mandalorian. It showed just what could be happening with the Star Wars storytelling.

I think what they wanted to do was make Godfather II with Boba Fett, and what they did was give us Bugsy Malone. This last episode was a total mess too, with 1/3 of the run-time being everyone popping up and down like gophers going “pew pew!” with their blasters. And when the wookie was getting shot, I guess as long as someone can help him stand up, he can run at a full sprint again. This was as bad as the Mod gang episode riding their rascal scooters around Mos Espa.

By the time the rancor showed up I was thoroughly bored. Not to mention wondered how fast those things are to ride it all the way back from the Jabba the Hutt palace. Plus they riffed on King Kong. Again.

You see, I’m a Star Wars nerd going waaaaaay back. And that little antennae on Boba Fett’s helmet isn’t just to aim his backpack rocket. It’s a communicator for remote control with Slave I. Guy has a starship he could have called up at any moment and blasted people, but instead he’s going to get like four guys to fight the pyke syndicate with pistols.

You know what other muscle Mando could have called in? Cara Dune, Bill Burr, hot swamp town lady, Ahsoka, friggin Luke Skywalker, Apollo Creed, Bo-katan and a shit ton of Mandalorians. Instead we get another rip off of the Magnificent Seven. Which is itself a ripoff.

And why he didn’t see a doublecross from the town crime bosses is beyond me. Mediocre!!!

Almost every moment that was played for suspense fell totally flat. They telegraphed so many moments I just wondered who the hell directed this. Alan Smithee?

Thank goodness we had two Mando episodes to bring us up to this. Those two made sitting through the other five sorta worth it.

There’s a whole thing about Disney making something cannon while undoing cannonical storylines. I miss Shadows of the Empire because it showed how formidable Boba Fett really was. It took me days to beat that boss. In this he has just made stupid decisions, acted like a big old softy, and shed big old bantha tears over his buddies the sandpeople. Guy lived with them for five years…and never bothered trying to get his shit back or get offworld in that time? I guess he just had to get his head together. Those black mellons he was chugging must have been like cannibis or something, because he had zero motivation to do anything other than ride speederbikes and learn how to fight with a stick.

I like that Amy Sedaris keeps saying what all the GenX fans are thinking. “Grogu? That’s a terrible name! I’m not calling you that!”

Baby Yoda has more chemistry with literally any other character than Temura Morrison has with any other character. He might be having fun, but he’s playing the guy who plays Jango Fett at Comicon instead playing of Boba Fett. They should have made him (and the writing staff) watch Godfather 1&2 and Miller’s Crossing on a loop for a month before attempting this bullshit. It’s hard to make Jake Lloyd look like a method actor. Mission accomplished.

Boba Fett had no character arc, no pathos, and here’s the biggest thing that you can’t unsee once you figure it out:

The original trilogy and even the prequel shitshow had one thing in common: No flashbacks. None. Even Rogue One (which I did like) only had a prologue that showed what had happened to the protagonist when she was a kid. Same with Solo Cup. But the last three movies (which had their great moments, but also their awful ones in my opinion) all used flashbacks for exposition. The Book of Boba Fett was arguably nothing but flashback exposition. Mando had like 30 seconds of flashback of when he was a foundling. The rest was all, high-stakes, this is really happening right now storytelling, which gets you more invested with the characters when you realize they might die at any moment.

Some stories can rely on flashback and do an amazing job. If you’ve ever seen Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, for instance, you’ll see that the events of the Seven Days of Fire are done in a way that is chilling and moves the story along. Boba Fett was a guy in his undies in a bacta tank for four episodes, reeling in the years of shitting in the sand with the tusken raiders and microdosing DMT lizards.

I’ll tune in for more Mando, but with The Book of Boba Fett, it failed in one critical moment: you actually have to like the characters to be invested in the story. Which is why I think the Expanse sucks.