2021 has been rough. But it’s just a continuation of the insanity of 2020. Tomorrow is New Year’s Day. I walk into that year, leaving all my regrets in the steaming pile of crap 2021 turned out to be.
In 2020, after nine months of good communication, affection, falling in love, it all began after I had asked someone to be my girlfriend, almost like a Proposal. We talked about moving in together. What life would look like then. We talked every day on the phone. Saw each other nearly every weekend. We texted all the time, and she exceeded all the expectations of a relationship standard set by my first girlfriend when I was 17-21.
We didn’t survive the first six weeks of COVID lockdowns.
I was devastated. I did what they tell you to do to get over a loss like this. You strengthen your friendships with the people in your life. You keep yourself busy with things that help you grow. You grieve, you move on. You grieve some more. You keep moving forward.
Just over a year ago, a friend of mine sat with me and listened to me grieving the loss of this good relationship that I had. She sat with me and listened to how my former GF had no good reason to leave, only excuses.
“Lots of excuses mean lots of fears,” she told me.
Then she heard me say something that bothered her. She heard me say that I wasn’t worthy of that kind of love. She proceeded to kick my ass.
“You mean the world to me and I want you to see your worth! Yes, life is shit, it’s not perfect, you aren’t perfect, but god damn you are a great man with a heart of gold. These women who treat you less than that don’t deserve a second thought. Although I know it’s hard to heal and move on, especially when it’s what you’ve known for so long…because this shitty level you bring yourself down to attracts these women who match it.”
Today…I took that advice. Unfortunately, it was with the person who gave it to me. Situations had changed and feelings had grown. We were on the verge of something beautiful. Until…she changed. She put up her walls. We stopped talking. Our unique friendship soured. I was watering dead plants.
Today, I decided to start a hard conversation rather than linger in her orbit. The hardest thing about Boundaries is when you set them, you risk losing people. It is cold comfort that you will lose the people who cannot go with you when you have those boundaries, and that likely they are not the people you need in your life anyway. My Boundary was that I remembered my worth. She had been one to help me remember it back in 2020. Which is why it hurt so much to say what I had to say today, because I knew a possible outcome was ending a four year friendship, and so much more.
Today, I have lost a dear friend, and someone I cared deeply for. People do change, but sometimes they change back to their old, sad choices. Keeping people in their orbits and not being honest about it. (It’s hard to trust someone when you act in a way that is untrustworthy before you are “Facebook official.”) Putting themselves in danger when they should know better. Making lots of excuses. Then complaining about it when they are alone, or worse happens. She was a practicioner of this kind of self-harm. Most people these days just call it “dating.”
My former girlfriend, whom I mentioned before, had something to say about her situation all the way back in 2019. “Oh hell no! She, kind sir, is a douche lagoon.”
Tonight, I am alone, but I’m no longer lonely. Not the way that hoping we could talk though things–but never did–left me feeling. I decided after a lot of thought that I would have the conversation that needed to happen for months now. I wasn’t going to walk into 2022 with that empty feeling. The one I’ve been carrying around in the pit of my stomach since September. Life is too short for bad books, shitty friends, or regrets. I tried. I honestly fucking tried. I would have moved mountains for her.
On to the next chapter. We take what lessons we can from life and we try to do better the next time after our failures. It’s growth. Take good advice, even if it undoes a bond you shared with the one who gave it.
I wish her peace. I wish her love. Goobye, my dear friend.