Missing

Ever have a rough day and you wish you could go back in time and just sit with someone and talk with them and wind up laughing together until you had tears in your eyes and you forgot all about what was bothering you because you felt that fire inside your soul get stoked one more time when you thought it had all but gone out?

Today, I’m feeling a little frozen. Stuck. I haven’t had many of those people in my life, but I sure could stand a visit from one of them now. But right now, all I can manage to reach out is writing this post. Why? Because it would be nice to know that people actually care without having to ask.

I used to be a pretty happy guy. Not so long ago. I think that as usual, the struggles that I have to go through in this life right now have chased a lot of people off. They always say it doesn’t matter, until it does. I think they are fine with whatever external conflict they see, but they don’t like seeing what it does to me inside.

Today, I might feel more alone than I ever have in my life. But I’m not supposed to talk about that. It shows weakness that can be used against me, even though I don’t think anyone would be grinning and bearing what I’ve been going through for the last few months.

I don’t want a medal or a pity party. I’m just done is all. Fuck.

I’m missing many things right now. I’m missing the way my Grandma Babe would tell a story at the kitchen table and her eyes would light up. I don’t think she knew what an indoor voice was. I’m missing sword fights in the park at night with my two best friends growing up; they were more brothers to me than anything. I’m missing a trip with a bus load of kids going from Denver to NYC, kissing someone in an Ohio barley field at sunset with lightning bugs rising around us. I’m missing cigars and wine on the back porch on a summer night listening to Salt-N-Peppa another lifetime later. I’m missing house-wide Nerf gun battles with the kids and car karaoke with my daughter who had the sweetest singing voice I’ve ever heard. I’m missing random facts read to me from the Guinness Book of World Records. I’m missing riding scooters in the dark on campus and watching my youngest play in the sprinklers on a Summer night. I’m missing gifs and heart reacts and movie marathons long into the night and an octopus stuck to my face.

Today, my heart is shattered. These moments are all gone. I held onto them too tightly and they fell through my fingers like sand.