Letting the ghosts in

Today I was sitting at my desk, drawing a blank as to what I could write. My thoughts have been pretty sanguine lately. My mind this morning has been on some weird level of equilibrium. I know that I have some stuff going on…but I’ll get to that later.

Usually to get the process moving, I have a number of things at my disposal. I often write a post here over something I’ve been mulling around in my brain, but really I have come to realize sometimes that I am just signalling for attention and validation at times when I feel lonely. Or there’s something intense I’m chewing over in my head which I’m trying to process. Or I’ve come up with a bada-bing! moment in my head and I’m eager to share it. I’m not really feeling that today.

The other thing that I do is sometimes I’ll sit down and write a letter. But I’m not going to do that today. My fingers are cold anyway, and my handwriting is bad enough. Another thing that I do is get myself nice and caffeinated. I’ve had plenty of coffee with breakfast today–my mom and I hung out and eventually got chased out of the cafe long after we ran out of coffee.

There are times too that when I need to write about something, I go back to my memories and I let the ghosts of my past back into my mind. I think about these moments and they tell their own stories. They need to be told to find their peace.

Right now, I’m just kinda like…huh. There’s not a lot going in to my brain to focus on in some weird ornithomantic way of looking at the murmurations of starlings or the pecking orders of finches that will illuminate my future. So, not bird stuff. And if there’s nothing going in, there’s not a lot going out.

Well, that’s not true exactly. Remember earlier when I said there was some stuff going on? It’s a lot of stuff going on. It’s like a giant iceberg weighing on my conscience. Just this morning I’m not looking directly at it. I’m avoiding it, but I can still feel the chill coming off of it. It is a heavy presence. More of an ice dam than iceberg. And if I look, it will start to melt and quickly break down and flood everything with frigid waters and gnarled tree trunks and rocks and water that just never stops.

Right now, I can hear it in the back of my mind. That “plink, plink, plink” as it melts. Like the sound of a ticking clock. It’s only a matter of time before I have to think about it. Before I have to deal with it, and it’s going to suck. And dealing with it might not lead to anything good. But it is going to have to happen. It’s a process I started a year ago, which has completely spiralled out of control. It has become like those storms earlier in the week. Tornadoes have spun off in every direction. The whole thing is nebulous. Ice. Wind. You can’t step out of it. Maybe right now I’m just standing in the eye of it.

When I write about things usually, it is that feeling, that itch, that usually tells me a thing needs to be written about. But this…boy today this is too big. Or is it? I don’t know. What I do know is that opening up to it is going to suck. But, the story is waiting. It is demanding to be told. And that itch is there. Behind all that wall. I just have to look at it for a minute.

That feeling. The one that you are afraid to look at…go towards it. Find out what happens next. Time to let the ghosts in.

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