As a writer, a lot of what we source is from our life’s experiences, people we have met, and the rest is about 90% what we know about ourselves. In the process of writing my book, I have had to dig deep. Sometimes my therapist recommends I take a couple days off. Tonight, I am watching Last Night In Soho and enjoying the quiet of an empty house. Other than a begging yellow lab who asks for more stuff than a toddler ever would. This is in an attempt to decompress.
I wrote a 2500 word scene. It only took about an hour. The idea came to me as so many often do–while standing in the shower for an afternoon reset, just thinking. I had a kernel of an idea that began to germinate and as I was writing it down, it grew and bloomed into a full-on catharsis.
Jeez, those can be painfull.
Sometimes you uncover something about yourself you don’t particularly like. Writing is not for the faint of heart. It might have been what a psychologist would have called a “breakthrough.” It was a rough one too. Probably my most toxic trait, laid bare before me, staring right back at me from the page. They are right when they say if you stare into the void, the void stares back. In this case, I had a moment where I felt like I was the hero who had lived long enough to become the villain.
Blaming others for this is…was, something I had relied on. And now I can’t. I have to own it. What do I do with it? For about 90% of what has happened in my life as a result (either direct or indirect) of this…trait? Flaw? I don’t know what to call it yet…it’s probably too late to do anything about it. Other than try to be better. Make a good boundary for myself. Try to not let it direct my actions anymore. Yes, it’s that big of a thing.
Dug out of my psyche like a cavity with a dentist’s drill. Fuck.
But hey, at least I recognize it. It’s not even something I can beat myself up over either. It’s just something to recognize and work on. It’s a lot like when you are walking down a hallway and you realize the squeaky shoe has been you the whole time.
So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.