Today the weather shifted and instead of it being a sweltering August day, it seemed a more like autumn. The wind blew in from the north, bringing with it rain and then hail. Winter is coming, only now I don’t fear the severity of the change in seasons as I once did. I see the beauty in how things change and look forward to what every season will bring. This beautiful thing we get to experience called life. It’s no wonder I have this feeling in spite of my recent stresses, court hearings, and all that go with it. When bad things happen, even if they didn’t happen for a reason, it is up to us to find a reason. Some pearl of wisdom or truth that carries us to the next day.
I woke up this morning at around 8:00am after a few hours of sleep. My mom was selling soap in the park for North Park Days at her stand and I told her I would help her set up. I hadn’t slept much, just a few hours. I received some bad news last night from an old buddy about a mutual friend of ours who had taken their own life.
It was hard to comprehend at first because this person had just posted comments on my Facebook less than a week ago. We even had a decent conversation or two on messenger. They seemed to be doing well! A part of me somehow thought that I could message them and maybe they weren’t so far gone as to reply. It was absurd. Like an impulse to call the number of someone who has been gone for many years and not only will they pick up the phone, but they would be exactly as you remembered them. Because it wouldn’t be calling them today, but calling them twenty years ago.
I knew this friend was gone and it didn’t surprise me how or why. The image of them just sliding away out of reach and into the dark. It was real. For years I watched them struggle with clinical depression. I felt relief for them that they were no longer in pain. What hurt was seeing how a person ends their life in this way they tear a hole in their world and everyone who cared about them are pulled down into it with them. The living recover, to a point, but they have to deal with the aftermath. They are left wondering what if they had just made a little bit more effort, how would things be different?
We really weren’t mad at them. We had seen the struggles they went through and how the meds didn’t work or worked too much, reducing a jovial, gregarious person into a wooden person with slurred speech who fought just to walk across a room. They aren’t in pain anymore, which is the silver lining I have to take from that. My buddy and I caught up for about an hour. We talked about the old days and the people we knew. He said good night. Then for two hours, I just lie in bed thinking.
After helping my mom set up, I was tasked with making her lunch, so I made a quiche. It might be the best quiche I’ve made yet. It felt good to create and even better to cook for someone else. It has been a while. I’ve lost a lot of weight during the past month. When it’s just me at home, I tend to scrounge. I couldn’t put a number on it, but I’m down to the last notch on my belt. The other day, I was able to fit into my kilt, something I haven’t been able to do in years. Funny that dad bods are a trend and I seem to be burning mine off. Maybe I am a contrarian.
I did dishes. Scrolled tiktok as the quiche cooked. Sent videos back and forth to a dear friend whose life has also become complicated. It was nice to share with them while we both had a moment to catch our breath. Sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes it’s hard to be involved in someone’s life when you are being pulled in a hundred directions. Sometimes it just feels like it’s all gone crazy. The world we live in is upside down and we are all just so rattled by everything these days. I miss the hell out of them, but that does neither of us any good. So I’m trying my damnedest to be supportive without smothering. Sometimes I achieve this goal.
I was writing for a bit until I heard the wind outside picking up. The sound of rain falling on the street and the roof through the screen door. It was such a wonderful sound. Until I remembered my mom was still at the park in her tent selling soap. I hopped in the car and by the time I rounded the corner to the park, I got the solitary text from my mom.
By the time I got there it was beginning to hail. We broke down the shop and the tent and had everything ported to our vehicles just in time for the rain to stop and the air to be calm. By then the fair was done, hailed out. Afterwards, I came home and took a nap, catching up on a little bit of the sleep I had lost the night before. With a 4:00 invite to dinner with my folks, I forced myself out of bed at 4:15pm and headed to their house with Penny so she could play in the yard. We ate and visited and sat outside. The wind whipped up and it got cold. The sky was the color of gunmetal.
Back at home, I passed the hours alone. Even Penny went to take a nap. I sat and wrote a letter because an overcast day is the perfect time to do that. As I have written before, letters are a forgotten art. In spite of my bad handwriting I persisted. Then more tiktoks and texting.
Another friend called at ten and we chatted for an hour, shooting the shit, making jokes, and talking about the same things we always talk about when he calls. Sometimes it’s good to just be that voice at the other end of the line for someone, even when it’s the same things you’ve talked about a hundred times.
By the time we were off the phone, I could see that the window of opportunity for continuing other conversations that had begun had been missed with someone with a sweet smile and a contagious laugh. It was late. I was tired. So, I tried to go to sleep. The funny thing is that during the day, I will often hit a wall and I can’t help but close my eyes and sleep. But in the night, I am tired but very much awake. It didn’t help that tonight Penny needed to sleep on my legs and she cooked me right out of bed. So, I patted her on the head and came back to my office, sitting down to write while enjoying an adult beverage.
Two years ago I wrote this:
Tomorrow holds many things for me to do. The rollercoaster of court begins again, attempting to balance all I have to do there with writing and working to build my business and make money. To chase a dream no matter how small it might seem right now. To believe that something like this is for me and not just other people.
These blogs I share are not a definitive truth or some life lesson. They are just my thoughts. Not all of them are winners, and almost all of them reflect a moment I am passing through at that precise point in my life. Which are as maleable sometimes as the sands on the beach.
The quote that I pulled tonight from 2019 was written at a high point in my life, but it still feels right. Since then, I’ve lost and gained people. And even some people have always been there, supportive, caring, and pulling for me through the good and the bad. Even when I wasn’t looking right at them. I am blessed. Though sometimes I am very anxious at what the future holds, I don’t fear the future. The challenges I face somehow all have come together to work perfectly in some way, even if they don’t feel right at the time.
Anyway, these are just my thoughts on a Raymond Chandler evening. So, I give you this. Be well and be kind to each other. Don’t waste a single moment.