When I was a kid, my mom used to sing songs from church to help me sleep. Being the night owl that I was even then, I would often stay up long enough to see my dad at the door when he would come home from the mine at around midnight. I’m certain I got up at about 6am to watch cartoons too, bright and early and ready to glaze over watching Popeye and LooneyToons.
One of the songs she used to sing was “I Can’t Feel At Home in this Word Anymore” which even then I thought was a little morbid. Church has changed a lot in the last forty years. The last time I went to church the songs were all bland, hardly memorable, and easily forgotten. I’m glad they flashed the lyrics up on a screen, otherwise I would have never been able to tell one from the other. But those old songs from back in the day are haunting. They are the kinds of songs that people would hum or sing when they weren’t at church. I don’t go to church anymore, and I don’t miss it. It wasn’t for me. Something was lost from those days. Maybe the darkness.
Maybe something else.
I’m starting off on a new path soon and it scares the hell out of me. But like they say, everything you want is on the other side of fear. I can’t help but think of that old song my mom used to sing. I have seldom thought of it in the way that Christians are supposed to. The transcendence from our earthly design to a heavenly purpose. Usually I just think of how weary I have become of this life. These days, I have felt especially weary. Six years of just maintaining, surviving, getting by.
There’s not a lot holding me to this place, to this position in life. Two of my three kids are out of my house. My job ended. I am not in a relationship. I am comfortable in many ways, but ways that will eventually fade into quiet desperation. When I went to London in 2019, I made it my goal to do something everyday that scared me.
So, I’m making some changes in my life. Might as well. The world is not going back to how it once was, so I might as well ride the wave of that. Ahead of me lies opportunity. Here is just scrambling to hold the pieces together of what I built for the last twenty years. Honestly, I don’t feel at home in this life anymore. I feel like everything has moved on.
So, it’s time to move on myself.
Watch this site for updates.
Today, I wrote my ass off for two posts. I know there are going to be days like this. I have had good days where I wrote 15 posts about lift kits and grille guards and days where I have written two posts about motorbike accidents, but today was two posts that might win me $37. One was for an air conditioning company and the other was a Netflix documentary review about “Human Nature”. I had to watch an hour and a half long documentary and IF they buy it, they will pay $25. So that averages out to $12.50 per hour.
IF either of them buy it.
My brain is fried, but at least I know more about CRISPR than I did before. I guess one way to look at this is that I would have watched the documentary for free anyway. Now I’m doing it for money.
It will be like walking against the wind to write enough in the upcoming days, weeks, months, years to provide a base income for myself. That part really sucks. Especially since many of the clients I was writing crazy amounts of stuff for left due to a change in management with the agency I’m writing for. Right now I’m in the process of rebuilding a client base, which takes time.
Tonight I’m going to try to work on the novel. I’ve been sketching out so many scenes towards the end that now my inkblots are bleeding backward through the story and hopefully will meet somplace in the middle. Future edits will probably remove a lot of things and be integral to another book I have been thinking about in the life of this same character.
I dunno. Sometimes I wonder if I haven’t cooled off with this story and some days when I sit down to write I just can’t help but think I’m over it. Then there are days I get fired up again and wish that was all I had to do.
Today fell a little flat, and for some weird reason, I took an hour and a half nap this evening. I just closed my eyes and and couldn’t stay awake. Maybe a lot of the recent stress is finally releasing. Maybe I’m finally letting go of some things and now they are only memories instead of recent wounds. I feel like a house that has been packed up for a big move. It’s the same house, but the rooms are all empty, filled with only possibilities, but there is still a lot of work ahead to put everything back in them that is needed.
Every day brings new challenges, and life comes at you like a mime from hell. I just wish it wouldn’t do that walkin’ against the wind shit. I hate that.
A month ago, I was writing so much on the book that it was hard to sleep at night, the ideas just kept flooding my brain and I was powerless to stop them. For a few weeks, I had to shift gears and work on other things, namely senseless and idiotic court documents which always are a waste of time.
The problem is that I forgot where I left off. I have lost momentum. I still jot down the occasional note for the book, but the momentum has been lost and I don’t have the direction I once did. Also, some of the things I was writing about have reached a certain level of closure which result in a collective “Meh” when I think about writing them down.
This is not good.
Tonight, I’m going to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow will yield something better.