Confidence

I will be the first to admit that I am not always the most confident person you will ever meet. When I was a kid, I was the one who hesitated when standing in front of those two whirling whips in gym class they called Double Dutch. I have hesitated in my career, in schooling, and in love more times than I am comfortable admitting. Some of my biggest hesitations have been with my own kids and lately, a huge hesitation has been with my writing.

Though I am making headway, as I have talked about in recent posts, I had to be honest and say that sometimes I verge on the borderlines between not knowing what the hell I am doing, or even seeing any point in anything that I am doing. Right now I am looking at my book and wondering what techniques I should use, how I should structure it, how to tell the story, or even doubting that I have a story that I am telling. I don’t read a lot of the genre that I am working on currently, and that is either going to be a benefit or a hazard. I have a lot of great moments I am stringing together, but also I am lacking confidence in seeing how anyone will even care about these moments, or maybe just see it as some some of self-aggrandizing project. It could all be a complete mess.

In other words, unless I’m writing about dragons or cthonic beasts or flawed heroes, sometimes it is hard for me to get any focus. Maybe I just have a hard time reading about everyday life because it is so disappointing. I tend to write and read for escapist entertainment. Writing this book is very much a process, rather than an escape.

I don’t know. It seems easy enough to put the words down, but without a background in reading this type of thing, I’m flying blind as far as structure, plot, and story goes. I do also think that maybe I have the advantage to writing without a prescribed method in my mind and maybe come up with something different. A departure from what people are used to, with a fresh voice and a different perspective.

One of my biggest hurdles to overcome–and I know this intimately–is my lack of confidence in my abilities, my opportunities, and whether or not anyone even gives a fuck once I have this all written. Considering my ambitions to travel write, podcast, blog, and write books that has gone over like a lead balloon, it is difficult to say the least. What do you say to someone who has failed at nearly everything they have ever tried?

Confidence doesn’t always pay off when you have it. And what little I have left is evaporating.

2 thoughts on “Confidence

  1. I would suggest that your lack of confidence in regards to writing may be that self-confidence Is actually a myth if you are competing with yourself. It sounds like you are as I hear so much comparison energy in what you are expressing. What about YOU? So, let’s say you win, you kick some ass kicking your ass into gear. That means you just beat yourself. How is that a good thing? Teddy Roosevelt expressed, “If we were to kick in the pants the person responsible for most of our troubles, we wouldn’t sit for a week.”

    Clinton, are you able to simply play the BITCh Method — Butt In The Chair? Same time, same bat channel, and I suggest to put on some music to drown out your head chatter.

    I know I am fully capable of kicking my ass up and down and sideways in new and creative ways, and not so new and creative ways. Though, how does being mean or stern or any forceful act with myself do any good? What, am I going to put myself in the doghouse?

    Though, I put the music on Shuffle, so I let go of THAT control, too. NO music themes. Let go of not seeing the value. You CAN’T see the value until you build it. You build it, they will come. They’re not going to come set up bleachers and watch you build it. I suggest, make sure you’ve got a full tank, have eaten, and take the wheel of your writing, and Butt In The Chair, take it for a spin. Just make sure the tank is full. Where will your writing road trip take you?

  2. I too suffer from impostor syndrome most of the time, and I often question my reason for writing a novel. Like who’s going to give a damn anyway?

    I do. That’s who.

    I believe that self-confidence is a result, and not something we will out of the ether. And the only way I can build it is by finishing my shit. By completing that damn novel. Then starting on another one.

    Wishing you all the best in all your writerly pursuits!

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