I think I’m just about there.
The pieces don’t come together right and there’s a part of my brain that won’t let it go. I have been ghosted, blocked, and left wondering what the fuck I did to deserve it. The only reason I can think of is there was something I wasn’t supposed to see.
It reminds me of the last mystery I solved. The on again and off-again we-are-dating-but-I’m-not-your-girlfriend mindfuckery of 2015-2018. That girl is getting married now, and I found out she was probably dating the guy before we were officially broken up. (Gross.) Once I found that out, the loose ends were tied off and I was at peace with that.
I realized something last night.
My grandma was a nutcase, but she loved people as best as she could. She was vivacious, accepting, and had a great big heart for everyone she met. One day, her husband finally got tired of the drama, the self-sabotage, and decided to leave her. She was heartbroken. Numb. Her doctor suggested to her a glass of wine before bed to help her sleep. That glass of wine eventually became a coffee mug of wine which she only drank halfway down every day. If you keep filling it, you’ve only drunk half of it, right?
She died years later, more than likely alcoholism being the culprit. I don’t think it was alcoholism. I think that was only a symptom. She died of a broken heart. The wine was to quiet the questions in her head that kept her from falling asleep.
It sucks to feel. It really, really truly sucks. I wish I could just shut it off sometimes and pretend like nothing happened. To make it not hurt when I look back and realize that all of those sweet words and perfect moments were bullshit.
I wonder if that’s what kept my grandma awake at night. Because I know I haven’t slept right since the end of April and I think it’s killing me. My amygdala has been getting lots of overtime these days. Nothing adds up. I don’t have answers. Just excuses.
I just wish I could sleep again.
We used to say that the only way people will change is if they hit rock bottom and can see what they need to change. I’m just about there and looking up, all I can see is the silouette of sharks swimming overhead.