Stressed out

Lately I have been writing about oil additive.  This stuff is great.  It uses nano-technology to bond to the metallic parts of your powertrain and in clinical tests, it was able to outlast all other engines in time and power, and was the only one where the engine didn’t seize during the test.

I need some of that oil additive.

Lately, the stress has been increased on me…a lot.  I mentioned courtroom shenanigans with my ex.  Once again, she is taking me to court, in an ugly, invasive and drawn out–did I mention extremely expensive process–which will take up time and money I do not have.  I hate courtrooms, but she loves them.  She loves that people can be jailed when they don’t pay attention to her.

That is just one factor.  I don’t have a lot of time to dedicate to it.  But of course our broken judicial system, takes a new priority in my life.

The next is work.  The last two days of work have been a zoo, in which I had to fix a bunch of things that were messed up, which weren’t my projects anyway, which nobody else was around to fix them.  I fixed them.  Like a boss.  And someone who poked their head into the office just once took all the credit.  Typical.  Not that I’m allowed credit at this place.

The writing…jeez.  Last week, I wrote 9 posts, varying from 300 words to 2000 words.  I wrote three 2000 word posts and the deadline came and went without them so much as looking at them.  This morning, I woke up to three edit requests, which may as well be called entire rewrite requests.  The extra work is nice, especially when it pays, but there are times when I wonder how sustainable it really is.  I sacrifice time with my kid for this second job. My nights are spent working…and now of course, my ex-wife (who only has a part time job) wants more money.  I work two jobs to break even.  And wow, are there just times when I wish I didn’t have to do but the one job so I could relax at home.

Last night, I said to hell with it, and I binge watched Preacher on Hulu.  Four or five episodes.  Because sometimes you just need a break.

Either you take the break or you break.  I feel like those engines in that test I wrote about, being run to their breaking point, where the microabrasions in the powertrain overheat and gears and lifters and cams warp and fail and the whole thing just comes to a grinding halt.

Yes, I’ve written nearly 500 words on something that doesn’t pay.  But what I do get is to clear my head.  You can’t put a price on that.  I’ve been able to vent to a faceless crowd instead of someone close to me who feels as helpless as I do because there isn’t a lot they can do to help. I get to write about it, and leave the people alone who matter most: Parents, girlfriend, close friends, the mailman, or the hapless person at the grocery store reaching for a can of chicken noodle.  The blank page can take it, and over the last twenty years or so, believe it, it has.

I think the thing I fear the most is being dragged back down into the ex-wife drama.  Instead of just moving forward and living my best life, I get to have every tiny mistake I have ever made dragged up out of the muck and delivered to a judge for someone to say “SEE! This is why I deserve everything!”   When you lived an entire life of abuse and criticism, this isn’t something you relish.

Well, time to put on the big-boy pants and get some things done.  The caffeine is kicking in and I’m about to kick back. Coffee is my oil additive it would seem.  It keeps me going, past the point that would break me.  Thank goodness for coffee! And writing.

2 thoughts on “Stressed out

  1. That paragraph third from the end? Exactly true. Hang in there and know you have a powerful lot of folk out here reading and rooting on your side!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s