Since I betrayed my brethren by listing all of the things that make women irresistible to men, I’m going to go another step and reveal what makes men irresistible to women.
All women lament the extinction of “nice guys”. First of all, men should take note. If you want to be like the douchebags on YouTube, the pickup artists, the guys with a “system” where “negging” and harassing a woman into going home with you is your bag, this isn’t the place for you. Spread your herpes someplace else. Maybe there’s a two-fer-one sale on Axe Body Spray somplace.
If you want to prove women wrong about nice guys, here’s the first step: Be a nice guy. Remember Patrick Swayze in Road House? Be nice. Remember Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice? If you don’t know who this is, do your homework. Your girl sure as hell knows who he is.
How about Han Solo? Yes, same character. Mr. Darcy in Space with a little Heathcliffe thrown in for good measure. Be Han.
Here’s the list for how exactly to make yourself irresistible to women.
- You don’t meet nice girls in bars or dating sites
- Don’t use pickup lines
- Use only obviously shitty pickup lines. This will establish your sense of humor.
- Be funny. Women can gauge many things from a man’s sense of humor. How quick, witty, intelligent, articulate, mindful, empathetic, socially aware/naughty you are to name a few. You don’t need to go waving your MENSA card in front of her face, and you don’t need to feel inferior if she happens to be smarter than you. Humor is a good meet-in-the-middle moment.
- Smile. It puts people at ease. Unless you have a creepy smile. Then stop doing that.
- If you can’t be funny, have a washboard stomach. If you have a washboard stomach, see yourself out of this list. You’ll be fine.
- Be honest.
- Don’t brag. And don’t get cocky! (Thanks Han Solo-Darcy for your wisdom).
- Listen to her. She is another human being, and deserves your attention and respect.
- Don’t be crude. Or racist. Or use the C-word. Jeez, what the hell is wrong with you?
- Don’t stare at her breasts.
- Don’t quote Reservoir Dogs. Not even if “Stuck in the Middle with You” comes on. In fact, you’ve never heard of Reservoir Dogs. Mention how you are thinking of getting a rescue animal from a shelter. Is that the same thing?
- Be polite. Don’t make any sexual advances on her. You just met this girl. She’s a nice girl! What if this were your sister? Okay, maybe your sister is a slut, but so what if she is? Are you going to shame her? Honestly, she does more harm to herself with all those one night stands and wonders why she is still alone. Still, you wouldn’t want someone doing that to your sister! Don’t be that guy!
- Dance with her. Even if you suck. She will appreciate the effort.
- Ask her for her number/email/facebook. Thank her for a wonderful time.
- Walk away.
- Don’t call her.
- Move out of town.
- Go to work on a whaling ship for a few years.
- Grow your beard out
- Wear cable knit sweaters
- Write poetry about this girl you danced with and you stupidly left behind.
- Throw the poems into the sea.
- Be melancholic.
- Come back to dry land and adopt a foundling. If an orphan cannot be secured, go to an animal shelter and rescue a dog.
- Go to therapy
- Learn to speak two languages. Fluently. At least one should be Italian.
- Become a Master Chef
- Live in Europe with a slightly older woman who teaches you guitar during an ambiguously non-romantic relationship until she tells you to leave, because there was always someone else behind your eyes and love is for the young at heart. Now go! Go to her!
- Search the world for her, but fall into a depression because she is gone and no one knows what became of her.
- Watch your orphan graduate from school. Cry because they talk about you in their Salutatorian speech. About how much they love you, and how even though you weren’t their birth father, you were the best dad in the world.
- Bury your dog. The best friend you ever had.
- Experience personal growth
- On the day of your foundling child’s wedding, stand up for them, or give them away.
- Write a book about your experiences.
- While walking down a street one day, you recognize someone. Your eyes meet. It’s her! She smiles a little and looks away. You stop and look at her, your heart racing. You manage to say the only thing that comes to mind as you look into those eyes for the first time in years. Those eyes that haven’t changed at all.
- She says, “Hey. How have you been?”
- “Good. And you?”
- “Good. You know, it’s funny. I was just thinking about you the other day.”
- “Me too,” you say. “Well, what I mean is I was thinking about you too.” You laugh. She smiles.
- “Oh yeah?”
- “Yeah. I was wondering what you were doing these days. And about how much I miss you.”
- “I’m on my way to meet a friend right now–“
- “Well, don’t let me interrupt,” you say. “It was good to see you.”
- She quickly adds, “Maybe we can catch up sometime? Over coffee?”
Forget all the advice above.
Just be yourself. If you aren’t a complete narcissistic dick bag, the right person will come into your life. Set good boundaries. Don’t heap your baggage onto her, but be open if you can. Fight your own battles, but thank her for her support when she gives it. Be honest. Make her laugh more than you ever made her cry (it does happen, just make sure those tears are never because of your anger, and never from pettiness). Be all in. Love her. And just be kind.